How good a Darth Vader would you make?
This test will require a No. 2 lead hydrospanner and a black Scantron.
Separate paper will be distributed for the essay section.
Multiple Choice Section:
1 What color is your cape/cloak?
White or grey
Mauve or fluorescent orange
Brown or blue
Pure black
2 Describe your voice:
A mellifluous tenor, radiating
peace and light
High and squeaky, kind of
like the noise generated by hitting a mouse with a mallet (and now for something
completely different!)
Strong and commanding, with
deep overtones of control and evil
Low enough to shatter windows
and gravely as a sea bed, kind of like you'd been hit in the throat by a semi when
you were four
3 Describe your Force skills:
I am a Jedi, like my father
before me.
I don't have any Force skills,
but I do get good cable reception.
I have just enough Force sensitivity
to say "I have a bad feeling about this" with authority.
I can crush your puny larynx
like a grape, you dweeb.
4 An officer under your command informs you that, through his own incompetence, he
has allowed your Rebel quarry to escape.
You:
Tell him in a kind, understanding,
voice that he really should try harder.
Give him a blender and do
the dance of joy.
Fire him and cancel his Christmas
bonus.
Kill him, then spit on his
lifeless body.
5 The "new" officer under your command informs you that, through no fault of his
own, the Rebel scum have escaped.
You:
Pat him on the back and say
that you understand, everyone has a bad day now and then.
Click your ruby heels together
three times and say, "There's no place like Burger King, there's no place like Burger
King."
Commend him for trying and
send him back to his post.
Kill him, then kick his lifeless
body.
6 "His" replacement, through no fault of his own, steps on your toe.
You:
Smile understandingly and
step to the side.
Ask him to do it again.
Step on his toe.
Kill him, then have his body
fed to the Rancor.
7 Luke Skywalker is your:
Best friend.
Dog.
Feared persecutor.
Arch-enemy. Or son. Your choice.
8 Complete the following sentence: "You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a...
...really nice guy. I respect
you, sir."
...chicken. Or was it lizard?
I can never remember..."
...traitor. Take her away!"
...corpse. Good riddance."
(this is the only one Vader missed)
9 The Emperor calls you his:
enemy
nephew
doormat
right hand
10 Which portion of the body do you prefer to crush and squeeze with the Force?
None, I give loving hugs.
the bladder
the heart or brain
All of them, but the trachea
if I'm just practicing.
Optional strategy section:
Given a copy of the Mona Lisa, Dali's Persistence of Time, and a crayon drawing
of mommy, daddy, and kat, how long would it take you to destroy human civilization?
Ten years
Twelve parsecs
A day
Ten minutes
Optional ethics section:
You are given a choice between killing a kitten and eating a Twinkie. You:
Give them both a hug
Kill the Twinkie
Kill the kitten
Kill the kitten with the
Twinkie
Optional xenobiology section:
What alien species would you most like to exterminate?
Hutts
Tribbles
Ewoks
Non-humans
Optional navigation section:
You have the fastest ship in the galaxy. How fast can you do the Kessel Run?
12 parsecs
12 liters
12 days
12 Rebel corpses
Optional Jedi Knight section:
What is the power of this technological terror insignificant beside?
The power of the Force.
The power that only wet
suction can muster.
The power of "that" technological
terror.
The power of me.
Essay:
You are trapped, alone, on a desert planet. What five things do you take with you,
and who do you kill with them?
Answers:
If you answered (a majority of the time):
a) You are a Rebel weenie. Get off the net, you dweeb.
b) You are an idiot. I'd tell you to get off the net, too, but you wouldn't understand
me.
c) You have the cold-blooded ruthlessness to rise high in the Empire. Good luck!
d) You are a Dark Lord of the Sith. Go kick some Rebel ass.
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